TUHAN punya cara

"bila gunung dihadapanku tak jua berpindah
KAU berikanku kekuatan untuk mendakinya
Ku lakukan yang terbaikku KAU yang selebihnya
TUHAN selalu punya cara membuatku MENANG pada akhirnya"

tadi pagi...
masih dengan flu yang menyiksa aku bangkit dari kasur empuk bekas kakak dengan ogah2an...
ada sesuatu yang menyesakkan dada pagi ini...
hawa dingin menyergap masuk melalui celah2 jendela kamar, ku alihkan pandangan ke jam dinding merah muda yang juga hibahan sang kakak..

pukul 05.30...

mataku masih terasa berat, alih-alih beranjak mandi aku memutuskan untuk berbaring sekali lagi dan menutup mata berharap rasa itu hilang bersama dinginnya udara pagi...

pukul 06.00

ku buka mata dengan sedikit malas...
aku bangun dan meraba2 lemari baju, sudah kusiapkan sepasang stelan baju untuk hari ini, ku tata rapih diatas kasur dan akupun berajak mandi...

pukul 06. 20

aku siap berangkat sekolah...
namun ragaku sepertinya enggan berpindah dari ruangan sempit ini..
ingin rasanya aku merebahkan diri lagi menghirup sisa2 pengharapan dan tertidur sekali lagi..

ah...hidup itu misteri pikirku.

akupun berangkat kesekolah...

pukul 06.45

aku tiba disekolah, hari ini renungan pagi sungguh menyentuh kalbu sekan TUHAN mengerti rasa haus akan firman yang sedang kuderita...

baiklah pikirku....
TUHAN adalah jawabanya,
sahabat yang selalu setia,
kekasih yang tak pernah menyakiti,
dan BApa yang selalu mendengarkan...

ya...aku tau TUHAN..

engkau adalah JAWABAN pasti dari sebuah Pencarian yang tak berujung.....

ketika Hidup mulai terlalu penat engkau memberi kesejukan..

ketika Jalan mulai terlalu gelap engkau memberi terang..

dan ketika CINTA terlalu meyakitkan engkau mengajarkan kami untuk BERDOA

Eli, Eli Lama Sabakhtani

kepala sedang pening...
gejala demam musiman sedang melanda, aku bangkit dari tempat tidur dengan sedikit perjuangan, badan sedang sangat tidak bersahabat hari ini padahal tanggung jawab besar sedang ku jalani.

hari ini raga dan pikirannku memang sedang melayang, jauh, tak terjangkau akal sehatku lagi...

kenapa? apa yang salah? dimana letaknya?
pertanyaan aneh sepertinya tak mau berhenti mondar-mandir dikepalaku hingga memenuhi rongga dadaku...

sesak itupun datang menghujam sama seperti hujan disore hari yang deras yang mengikis keutuhan sebuah batu yang keras sekalipun...

aku duduk sebentar..
mengambil sikap bersila..kulipat kedua tanganku...kututup kedua mataku..
aku menghela nafas panjang...

detik selanjutnya kudengar bisikan suara-nya mengemaa samar-samar..

aku diam.

detik selanjutnya...

Hening...

aku mulai menitikan air mata...

TUHAN...
akhirnya aku berucap..

diam. tak ada jawaban.

TUHAN..

sunyi...

TUHAN kau disitu?

hening.

TUHAN TUHAN TUHAN !!!!!!

aku mulai menangis menjadi-jadi..

kenapa tak bisa kudengar lagi suaraNYA...
apakah telah sejauh itu ENGKAU meninggalkan AKU..?

*********

Save a little for me…

Kenapa semua kini terlihat begitu jelas justru ketika aku ada di tempat yang paling gelap?

Hari ini keputusan baru sudah dibuat, diatas kepercayaan akan adanya harapan baru yang muncul dari sela2 kepingan hati yang remuk redam, hancur, luluh , dan tak berbentuk lagi…

Sepertinya perjalanan akan terasa lebih berat untuk hari2 selanjutnya *Tuhan tau itu.
Walaupun kerikil atau pasir hisap itu ada dan siap menenggelamkan sisa2 harapan dalam diri namun aku tau setegar batu karang aku akan berdiri, sekokoh gunung kilimanjaro aku akan bertahan….

Kata orang hidup itu selalu tentang sebuah pilihan pilihan kecil yang kemudian menjadi keputusan besar yang tak terduga..
Kalo aku boleh bilang, pergi dari hidupnya adlah keputusan tersulit yang pernah aku buat, namun akan jadi titik awal kehidupan baru yang akan kujelang.


Ketika semua datang menawarkan rasa yang bernama: CINTA.
Apa aku siap untuk terluka dan menangis lagi?

Ketika pilihan kini menjadi terlalu banyak.
Apa aku siap untuk memilih?

I think I should save a little time for me…

At least, untuk sekedar menyisakan sedikit ruang bagi AGNES SHANTI untuk belajar tetang hidup dan sebuah pencarian kebahagiaan.

Bahwa hidup tidak pernah berhenti pada satu titik. life goes on. Dan saat ini aku ingin mulai bertanya2 apa yang sudah ku lakukan untuk mereka yang kusayangi?? Apa yang kini telah kucapai sebagai seorang manusia? Soeorang murid dan seorang wanita dewasa?

Dan ketika hidup semakin sulit dan orang2 mulai bertanya2 tentang sebuah rasa aku akan tersenyum perlahan dan menghembuskan nafas lega sembari berucap “SAYA bahagia dengan apa yang saya capai saat ini dan itu sudah cukup”. Titik. Full stop. No more questions..

Disaat yang bersejarah itu, aku membayangkan sebuah karpet merah jambu tergelar disepanjang jalan menuju podium kesuksesan… menggaungkan lagu kemenangan atas pencarian jati diri yang telah sampai pada titik puncak…

Saat itu akan terdengar bisikan halus dua malaikatku yang akan berdiri disampingku dan berucap “Kami bangga padamu nak”. Selesai. Begitulah Kebahagiaan sejati akan kudapat.

I never meant to YOU…

“Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone 'cuz I can't fight it anymore.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind…
For me it happens all the time…
And I don’t know how I do without you…”
(Lady antebellum-need you now)

Someone had ever said to me that if you love someone and that someone doesn’t love you back, try harder to get his heart until the last drop of your sweat because there is no Love without sacrificing…

For me if you love someone who doesn’t love you back it is just either you look your self drown in the quicksands or dying everyday…

There is no short of happiness inside…

Listen: they said that two are better than one for if they fall one wont let the other hit the ground
But the truth is: one is better than two for if one get hurts the other one will not share the same feeling.

By the time you fell in love at the same time you throw yourself in the quicksands of irrationalities…

Look: In the real life black, purple, and yellow are totally different colors, but in the life of irrationalities they could only see one color and they fake the other…

If you fall in love with someone who doesn’t love you back just hoping that the world will keeps moving or you gonna die by the time you see he hold another hands, walk side by side with smile in their face while you are dying in your room hoping that GOD will keeps they apart..

Selfish..
At the end this is the only color which is lasts in you…

Love is just one word with so many designation…

Which cant be define correctly even by the smartest human being in this world..

At the end you can only experience it, feel it, and draw your own definition about it.

When you love someone who doesn’t love you back just think that it’s just as simple as he is not made to you…

And when you get hurt by the irrationality called LOVE convince yourself that both of you are simply not seeing the same moon anymore…

Just as simple as that…

You know what is sad about LOVE?

It is when you happen to know that there is just no hope for you being together, yet you still pray to make it works.

It is when your mind says let go but your heart says hold on..

And most of all it is when you try to forget him you just can’t, b’coz the fact that you still LOVE him and you don’t know why?

If you love and get hurt, love more. If you love more and get hurt more, love even more. If you love even more and get hurt even more, love some more until it hurts no more (Shakespeare)

The gauge of how much you truly treasure something or someone is not how happy you are with them but how sad you are when you lose them…

One grows distant from another not because of indifference, but because of fear…
There is the fear that the hurt gets greater as one gets closer.

Sometimes what drives one away is not the absence emotion, but the overwhelming presence of it.

Falling in love is never a decision always by chance..
Staying in love is never a chance always by choice..
And falling out in love is never a choice always a decision..


Attraction comes to us by chance. But true love that lasts is truly a choice…

Listen: fate brings you together, but it’s still up to you to make it happen. We may meet someone by chance but loving and staying in love with that someone is still a choice..

Just because my eyes don’t have tears it doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t cry, just because you always see me strong it doesn’t mean there is nothing wrong. Sometimes I choose to pretend I’m happy so I don’t have to explain to people who would never even understand.

Smiling is always easier than explaining to all why I am sad.
It is never the tears that measure the pain, sometimes it is the smile we fake…

Someone who truly loves you is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone still believe in the smile on your face.

The person you love most is the one who has the most capacity to make you the happiest person in the world and can give you the worst heartache you can never imagine…

Time can heal wounds, but it can never get back what we once had and lost. Time can’t tell when or how we would move on after all was said and done.

In life I’ve done every way of fighting, heard every painful truth, been in every heartbreaking scene and felt every dreadful feeling. I thought going through it all will then make me realize that I have to stop the fight at least to save a little for myself..

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT IS FUNNY?

It is when I seem to be so much tired of it all but still I can’t just quit no matter how hard it is.
And I have to continue hoping that one day I’ll be able to find someone who could love me not just “right” but “real”.

Coz “Love is like giving someone a gun, having them point it at your heart and trusting them to never pull the trigger”

I don’t know why we all hang on to something we know we’re better let go. It is like we’re scared to lose what we don’t even really have.

I want to know someone who could ease my pain, who could hold me tight, the one who never let me go till every drop of tears that I have had fallen, till every strenght that I’ve had already passed out. As he laid me down in my bed, sings me a lullaby till I fall asleep and whisper beside me :

“I’ll never leave you, Angel of mine”

“Time may take us away,
Space may keep us apart,
Rumors and hurts may break us down”

“Yet.. no matter where life leads us I will always be here and I will never stop caring”

BEING NOWHERE

*and miles to go before I sleep
*and miles to go before I sleep

Sometimes I felt that this is the wrong place to grow, the bigest mistake that I’ve ever made…

BEING NOWHERE… I called it so…

Now, they could see that my life is almost perfect…
But, somehow I feel lost..in my own fake world…my superficial imagination…
People around me..
They are great, fabulous, magnificient…
However, I still feel lonely… alone… and… LOST !!!

Please tell me.
who I am?
Where I should be?
How it’s like to be You?
just You yourself....

When I was a kid,
My father ever told me about a story of a lost child taken from the holy bible…

The story goes like this..

Once there was a boy who left his father for his own greed…
He asked his right from his father, his father gave it to him and he left…
He spends his money with girls and drunks…
Until one day he woke up, nothing left in his pocket and he has no one..
Considering his false he came back to his father and asked to be his father’s slave..
His father hugged him and tells him that he forgives him…

This story always remind me of my life now
I'm wondering how if being here was the wrong choices..
How if I’m not belong to this place…..
how if this not my destiny...

Does my father will let me go home…
Will he forgives me for these useless years??

Tell me??

I wanna know the answer?