GAGAL = Ga...Galaauuuuuu !

hatiku tiba-tiba cenat-cenut, cekat cekut dan hidung mulai mimisan waktu melihat pengumuman Program S1 KKT UNY di http://kkt.uny.ac.id/. Disana ternyata tidak tertulis namaku sebagai salah satu peserta yang lulus ujian tertulis..sekali lagiiiiiii
NAMA SAYA TIDAK ADA DALAM DAFTAR PESERTA YANG LULUS UJIAN TERTULIS

somebody help !!!

tolong cubit aku pake golok......

atau tolong tampar aku pake bara panas....

please tell me !

it was only a dream....and when i wake up...i'm already ON the lists !! PLEASE....

kepalaku pusing, jantung berdegub kencang, dan mata mulai berkunang-kunang *ternyata ada tom cruise lewat didepanku jiaahh PANTESAAAAANNNNNN ! *plakkkk....

tarikkk nafassss !

oke, aku gagal lagi..aku GAGAL dan ini untuk yang kedua kalinya. aku mengalami kegagalan (lagi) untuk sesuatu yang sangat aku perjuangkan. yang pertama ketika aku apply untuk menjadi tutor dilembaga bahasa, dan ini yang kedua. padahal Tuhan yang paling tau seberapa besar keinginan dan perjuanganku untuk mendapatkan kesempatan ini... hiks *nangis dibawah shower sambil jedokin kepala ditembok...

Berikut ini adalah kemungkinan "kenapa aku Galau eh GAGAL lulus tes tertulis S1 KKT":

1. Aku terlalu PEDE bakal lulus dengan cantik...makannya aku belajarnya cuma 3 hari sebelum tes.

2. Takdir... [ini sungguh TAKDIR yang kejam]

3. Ada kesalahan waktu ngetik nama peserta yang lolos [oke! ini maksa banget]

4. Semua peserta yang ikut tes tanpa sepengetahuanku membawa contekan [hahahaha ngawur!]

5. Kertas jawabanku sengaja ditukar dengan milik orang lain secara tidak bertanggung jawab [ini sinetron bangettt]

6. Banyak banget saingan yang mumpuni [2000an orang mennnn]

7. Tuhan belum ngizinin aku untuk dapat kesempatan yang ini dan mungkin akan ada kesempatan lain yang lebih baik yang udah disiapin Tuhan buat aku [eaaaaa #mengepalkan tangan dengan mata berbinar]

Yah, pokoknya, walaupun aku lumayan kecewa karena gabisa masuk Program S1 KKT  tapi ya tetep aja aku kecewa gara-gara aku gak bisa masuk Program S1 KKT.

INTINYA, AKU BENAR-BENAR KECEWA KARENA GAK BISA MASUK PROGRAM S1 KKT

wasalaammmm..........

Tentang Masa...

Setelah beberapa saat memutuskan untuk tidak membicarakan ataupun memikirkannya [My Ex]. akhirnya aku sadar bahwa kita telah benar-bener pulih dari luka hati ketika kita cukup berani untuk menuliskannya dan memberitahukannya pada dunia dan setelah itu kita masih bisa tersenyum dan bilang "aku sudah Move on"...

Dua bulan yang lalu, aku memutuskan untuk pergi sejenak meninggalkan jogjakarta. 

Ya akhirnya aku berangkat ke jakarta. sebenarnya ada dua alasan kenapa saat itu aku memutuskan untuk ke jakarta menggunakan kereta api. yang pertama, karena aku sudah janji untuk mengunjungi kakakku dijakarta dan yang kedua, karena aku ingin didalam kereta selama 8 jam, tanpa bacaan, tanpa kerjaan, jadi aku bisa memaksa diri untuk berpikir.

ya, berpikir.

berpikir tentang hubungan terakhirku yang baru saja putus. aku butuh waktu untuk memikirkan hubungan 3 tahun yang berakhir dengan sukses ini. aku harus mencari tau apa yang salah?...

Sekitar 1 tahun yang lalu, aku juga pernah ada dalam kereta. bedanya, waktu itu aku masih bersamannya. kami saat itu sedang dalam suatu percobaan melarikan diri dari hiruk pikuk jogja. aku masih ingat saat itu kereta sedang sangat ramai dan kami berdiri didalam gerbong yang penuh sesak itu, saling berhadapan. mata kami bertemu dan dia membisikkan 3 kata diteligaku yang saat itu membuatku merasa jadi orang yang paling spesial didunia. aku menatapnya dengan gemas dan hanya tersenyum..

aku menghela nafas panjang....

ini akan jadi 8 jam yang penuh refleksi akan tahun2 yang telah aku lalui bersamanya, dan saat itu, ketika headphone ditelinga memperdengarkan lagu "i think God can explain-nya splender"  aku berjanji dalam hati ketika aku tiba dijakarta. aku-sudah-harus-bisa-melupakannya.

aku duduk diam dibalik jendela kereta. berusaha menikmati pemandangan saat itu. cuaca hari itu sedikit mendung. mirip seperti perasaan hatiku saat itu "MENDUNG". aku kembali tenggelam dalam lamunan. ada apa dengan kami. dengan tahun2 yang penuh canda dan tawa itu? apa yang terjadi dengan "hati" yang dulu pernah begitu bahagia. aku menerawang jauh. sekali lagi aku menghela nafas panjang....

Mungkin kami sudah meredup. Pada HATI. pada kepercayaan yang perlahan mulai hilang. mungkin janji yang pernah kami buat sudah tidak realistis lagi dengan keadaan. 

Saat itu aku teringat sebuah kutipan yang ditulis "Diana. R" dalam blognya:

"Life is no straight and easy corridor along which we travel free and unhampered, but a maze of passages, through which we must seek our way, lost and confused. But always, if we have faith, a door will open for us, not perhaps one that we ourselves would ever have thought of, but one that will ultimately prove good for us."

dan saat ini aku baru saja mengalami apa yang ditulis Diana itu. I get inspired. aku menyadari bahwa begitulah hidup, tidak selalu sesuai dengan keinginan kita, mimpi kita, harapa-harapan kita. namun, bagaimanapun beratnya hidup aku harus tetap percaya bahwa ketika pintu yang satu tertutup akan ada pintu yang lain yang terbuka untuk kita....

aku meneguk jus jambuku sedikit, menarik nafas panjang lagi dan berusaha tersenyum. Ya tersenyum. akan tahun2 yang sudah aku biarkan menjadi kenangan, akan aku yang sudah lahir baru, akan hari esok yang sudah siap aku jelang. dan AKU SUDAH BISA MELUPAKANMU ex....

So, Thank You

God,

Thank You for taking care of me all this time, for giving me everything I deserve in the most appropriate proportion and pace, and giving me such a wonderful life, day and night. Throughout my 22 years of life, I have lived, learned and developed my understanding about how it feels to be hurt and to be loved, to smile and cry at the same time, and to feel angry at YOU for not giving me what I want, but as it slowly occurred to me that YOU only give me what I need not what I want. So thank you.

Parents and sisters,

Thank you for growing me up beautifully, for teaching me unconditional love and care, for loving me more than you love yourselves. I‘m so grateful having my mom and dad as my parents. I grew up surrounded by a complete set of wonderful family members, who were always there to love me.

Best friend,

I would like to say thank you for my besties “Atom” for teaching me what is the meaning of true friendship, for letting me listens to your stories and wanting to hear my advices, for letting me knew your deepest heart, for giving me chances to spread courage to you, for sharing our thoughts together, for making me one of your bestfriend and for being around anytime I need a friend to talk to. 

Dewa,

You are the one that I’ve been looking for. You, the one who completes me. Our love has never been selfish, but instead a mature and well-thought feeling we developed. I remembered the first time we spoke about our feelings for each other, how we were  so far away apart and might not be able to meet each other for a long time. But we decided to give it a try. We are so in love. I thank God for bringing me to you, or you to me. i don't care whichever the perspectives. This relationship was unexpected and beyond my imagination, but beautiful at the same time.

Oh well, this is such a random thought. Good morning, guys! Love you as always ^_^

EULOGY

Suddenly, I was reminded of all of the dreams I have forgotten. Some of the dreams have been accomplished, while the rest haven’t. As I grow older now, though, I have rediscovered myself, and invented a lot of new dreams. The things I want to do before I die..

by the way talking about death, do you ever imagine about your last day on earth? when you passed away? what will the world says about you in your funeral?, how they will remember you? as what kind of person??. Those questions lead me to the Eulogy [kata2 perpisahan dalam upacara pemakaman] which i got in Service Program Design class some semesters ago. I reopen the folder, read it once again and dropping tears.

so, these are some "EULOGY" which were written for me by my friends "pretending that I have already passed away".

Mas ade: 

          Belum lama saya mengenal Shanti,rekan kerja yang saya anggap juga sebagai adik. Baru kira-kira sekitar 5 bulan ini. Memang sebuah waktu yang sangat singkat untuk berbagi kisah bersama, antara saya dan adik saya yang satu ini.

          Singkatnya kesempatan saya untuk lebih mengenal dia tidak membuat saya kecewa. Karena saya merasa Tuhan adil dan baik terhadap saya dan Shanti. Kepergian Shanti yang begitu cepat tetap membuat saya merasa beruntung sempat mengenalnya dan merasakan kerja sama yang baik dengan Shanti.. Shanti adalah seorang guru yang baik, partner yang kooperatif dan adik yang sangat perhatian dan penyayang. Saya yakin semua orang yang pernah mengenalnya dapat merasakan semangat itu; semangat untuk membagikan kebahagiaan, keceriaan, perhatian, dan kasih sayang untuk semua orang.

         Tidak ada yang pernah menyangka Shanti akan pergi meninggalkan kita secepat ini.. Dek Shanti yang juga kadang nakal pasti akan sangat saya rindukan kehadirannya di hidup saya. Saya mewakili rekan kerja Shanti meminta maaf atas segala kesalahan yang ada. Dek Shanti pasti menempati tempat yang indah di surga. Sekarang, saya ajak Anda sekalian yang hadir di tempat ini untuk tersenyum melepas kepergian dek Shanti..sama seperti yang dek Shanti berikan pada kita setiap kali bertemu.. MAri tersenyum, Selamat tinggal dek shanti..

Mas itok:

Dear friend..
I just know you recently...
very short time, but meaningful..
You should know that...
your gesture makes me laugh
your way of speaking makes me smile..
your smile warmth me...
your way of life is such inspiration for me...
Good bye friend...
nothing I can say except it is a privileged to know you..
we all your friends love you..
thou you're gone but your memories will stand still... 

Mas teguh:

         Her name means peace, Shanti. She was a great friend. She had lived a wonderful life though it was short. She always has a very good word to save your day. So long Shanti, we will meet again someday.

         I  remember the first time we met. She was an ordinary girl in jeans and shirt. She was my junior. We had no time to introduce each other, just knew and be friend. She was my colleague and my friend. She was in her brown shirt and jeans when we met in a very awkward situation, and it continued in our next day. She worked very well, and I had to learn from her how to teach since she taught her students well.

         She was really good at helping. She helped everybody who needed her helped. she also became a volunteer when the mount Merapi erupted. One thing that I wish I could do. Her heart was so kind and somewhat tender. She was really good person. This is all I can say about her. I have no more words to be said.

           shanti’s death was sudden. I remember when I heard the news I simply could not believe it. Shanti was too young but as it slowly occurred to me I have realized that Shanti indeed lived her life wonderfully. She was well-loved and he had done so many things on earth and I’m sure he’ll do much more in heaven. I will forever be grateful to have known her. All the memories I have shared with her will forever be cherished and remembered. Shanty will forever live in my heart… In our hearts.
           Shanti will forever be missed but I know in the right time, I will meet her again.

Ayah: 

Putriku, hidup itu adalah anugrah peliharalah dan jagalah kehidupan itu, jangan berandai-andai. Gmn kalo pertanyaannya bapak balik kira2 shanti mau jawab apa?  [Tut tut tut telpon dimatikan....]

=======00000=========

After I read those EULOGY, I began to shift my mindset – that I have to make my life worth remembering. I have to create moments I would never forget, do great – awesome things! So that when my time on EARTH is up, I will be missed and remembered as a person who had life her life to the fullest. I HOPE :)

Wish me luck

I was so grateful knowing that I passed the administration test of S1-KKT UNY. but, it wasn't everything, it was just the beginning of the real war, because i still have to pass the written test as well.  I read on the description about the written test carefully, I’ve downloaded "Tes Potensi Akademik" from the internet today and very eager to do it.

so guys please pray for me :)

Hey, You ! yes YOU ! I MISS YOU....

Long-Distanced. Stupid fights. Long YM hours. Thousand messenger words. Voice Notes. Bad-signaled calls. Stupid screen kisses. Sweet times. jokes. Hopes. Ignorance. Forgiveness. those love songs. Fear of losing. Love is a strange thing.

P.S: if you read this. please understand that i miss you so much...yes YOU !

crazy little thing called LOVE

Tonight, I had a looong chitchat with my friend in our boardinghouse's kitchen! I don’t know much about true love, but I’ve been adoring her for her strength in facing this very Love attack.

After I talked to her, i reflected myself "how if I'm the one who is in her position" being hurt and feel so restless, don't know what to do and feels so empty. well, kind of hard to imagine how painful the feeling she might feel right know. i just can't count how many times she wept while she told her very sad story about the guy who broke her heart and just don't even dare to show that he CARES.

I've known this guy for couple months, apparently he is a very nice, smart, thoughtful, and wise guy. yeah, a great picture of  a future husband. ONE of a Kind. Pearl in a Palace. but don't ever judge a book until you open it, read it, and understand it. i won't tell my personal judgment toward a person that i don't know much. so, lets just talk about what i've learned from the chitchat.

couple days ago, I learned that there are some good guys who want to be there by your side, without even thinking about making you one of their toy or experimental stuff. who dare to show how they feel and make decision about it. there are some guys who stay there whenever you need them, whatever you say, whatever you do.
 

Today, I learned that there are some people who only want to have you, who only wants to make you one of his possessions; but he’ll never really be there by your side.

so the choice is yours :)

AND FOR MY FRIEND

I wish you could recover soon from your broken heart and pursue your dreams again. I wish all your dreams come true, and I wish you would have a long chance to spread courage to others, as well as positivity, and creativity, too. don't be sad Darl.

untuk seseorang yang udah nyakitin temenku aku cuma bisa bilang "jangan salahin dia kalo didepanmu dia akan terlihat penuh amarah. ketahuilah itu hanyalah satu-satunya cara yang dia bisa untuk mencoba mengatakan padamu betapa hatinya sangat terluka" but still after the yelling and harsh words, she keeps missing you. 

P.S: 
“Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It’s a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you’re hurt.” 
- Tom Gates